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Uh-Oh, Santa’s in Big Trouble

December 11, 2008

Several years ago, according to a participant who requested anonymity, some of Santa’s elves were contacted by representatives from Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers, who persuaded the elves of the benefits of an elaborate scheme of Christmas-list securitization.

As outlined to the elves, the idea worked like this. Brokers would break each item on the Christmas lists into separate pieces and repackage the requests as securities, using a formula known as a “benevolence diffusion algorithm.” This would guarantee happiness for everybody in the world on Christmas morning. No one would lose.

At first Santa was doubtful of the plan. Mrs. Claus was especially skeptical, pointing out that in her experience with baking Christmas cookies, a seemingly foolproof enterprise, a failure rate of 5% was not uncommon. “There is simply no historical data to suggest the whole world can be long Christmas,” Mrs. Claus said. “No scheme will ever rid the world of bad little girls and boys.”

According to a person with knowledge of the North Pole couple’s affairs, Santa received a call from a Franklin Raines, who identified himself as the president of a “government sponsored enterprise” known as Happie Mac. Santa apparently became convinced that Happie Mac sounded similar to his own business of free giving, and so agreed to the proposed system of Christmas list swaps.

Paulson has visited the North Pole to have a look at the situation and a bailout is planned. Nancy Pelosi insists that, in return for the government’s help, Santa has to go green.

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